This Barren Country

Cluelessness in Advertising

2012-01-13T20:57:00.001-06:00

Soy Mitt Romney, and I have no idea non-Cuban Latinos live in Florida and vote.

Aren't we all?

2012-01-12T21:02:00.000-06:00

Its slightly less shy producer is Barry Bennett, a supporter of Texas Governor Rick Perry, who says he is only trying to help: “I wanted people to see what the Democrats are going to do [to] this guy.”

Aren't we all just trying to help in our own special way?

Truth in Advertising

2012-01-12T10:42:00.001-06:00

Man in Pontevedra, Galicia, Spain orders penis enlarger over the internet. Receives magnifying glass. Goes to the local police to file a complaint but then decides against it.

Maybe I should start paying closer attention to those messages that get plopped in the Spam folder without my being asked.

A Strange and Bitter Crop

2012-01-08T23:12:00.000-06:00

In this case the southern trees are from way down south, way down in Central America.

Strange seeds and the strange fruits they yield: I watched the trailer for the Scary Movie about Romney the Raider, and this line caught my attention:

Romney took foreign seed money from Latin America.

The seed was foreign and from Latin America, which makes it doubly foreign, or doubly Latin American, or both.

In any event, Newt's surrogate's xenophobic appeal aside, I surmise the reference is to Salvadoran coffee exporter and ARENA bankroller Orlando de Sola, a scary dude indeed.

Morna Mourning

2011-12-18T11:02:00.000-06:00

A very sad day here in the Land Without Bread: one of my favorites in all the wide world passed away yesterday. I got to see her in Atlanta in 2001 and I have her music, both of which make me happy.

Once upon a time, I made mischief of one kind and another

2011-12-01T12:05:00.001-06:00

and I shall not now be deterred from claiming what is rightfully mine: coauthorship and substantial monetary compensation for my efforts. And no, this constitutes no setback to my cause as it happened in a Foreign Country and therefore does not count.

A tax on Christmas is a war on Texas

2011-11-09T14:42:00.000-06:00

Noise Machine's latest noise: the national Christmas tree industry's program to promote itself is actually another Obama tax on something sacred. Desired effect achieved, at least partially.

Part of the process to review and set up this program included the collection of comments on it by interested parties. As noted by the National Christmas Tree Association (see first link), the vast majority of the comments submitted were positive. A few were negative, and the good folks at the Ag Department were kind enough to include summaries of these in its "Christmas Tree Promotion, Research and Information Order." One stands out, at least for me. First, collecting taxes for that arrogant, greedy, ruthless, no-good Prince Barack (to be said in the voice of Friar Tuck).

One commenter raised concerns about a perceived unequal burden of taxation. The commenter suggested that the exemption provision could affect producers that produce 500 trees or less because this creates unequal taxation treatment of Christmas tree producers. However, the assessment provided for in this type of program is not a tax nor does it yield revenue for the Federal government. These producer and importers funds raised by producers and importers are for the benefit of producers and importers.

And then, from the same commenter, a nation under siege:

The commenter also stated that some Texas producers were not in favor of the proposed Order, that Texas is a sovereign State, and therefore Texas Christmas tree producers should not be included in the Order. The 1996 Act provides that programs under the Act would be applicable to agricultural commodities produced in the United States, which is defined as collectively the 50 States, the District of Columbia, the Commonwealth of Puerto Rico and the territories and possessions of the United States.

The dry refutal is amusing.

Trebuchet Trigger

2011-11-01T17:36:00.001-05:00

This one, for the connoisseur.

HERMOSILLO, Mexico -- The Mexican army says soldiers have seized two catapults that were being used by drug smugglers to fling packages of marijuana across the border into Arizona.

Time to build a bigger fence.

Ill Timing

2011-11-01T14:37:00.000-05:00

Oh, bummer. Now that I've vacated the swamp (willingly, unlike Shrek), look who's now coming: Foreigner Acoustique. Everyone should have a chance to see and hear them do "Hot Blooded" and "Dirty White Boy" acoustiquely. It could only be a Good Thing.

A little late now, but somebody in Libya could've used her plastic surgeon

2011-11-01T09:53:00.001-05:00

Despite the best efforts of scolds* of various political persuasions, plastic surgery is popular in Venezuela, especially among members of the entertainment industry. Recently rumors circulated that Venezuelan singer and model Diosa Canales† made an emergency trip to Bogotá, Colombia, because one of her breast implants had supposedly exploded and needed to be replaced. Canales has denied this and said her original implants are fine, telling a Venezuelan journalist her breasts are so well made they're "NATO bombing-campaign proof."‡

Not a brick house but a bunker, I guess.

* Borrowed.
† Yes, for those of you translating at home, her name translated directly into English would be "Goddess Canals" or "Goddess Channels."
‡ In Spanish, "los suyos están hechos a prueba de bombardeos de la OTAN."

Going, going, gone soft

2011-10-28T09:40:00.001-05:00

Troubling news out of St. Louis, Missouri, and a sign of how far we've fallen these last few years. A doctor from Maryville, Illinois grabbed David Freese's game-winnning home run ball last night and stuffed it down his pants. So far, so good. But then things went bad fast.

A quick negotiation ensued and Huyette agreed to trade the ball for a signed bat from Freese as well as a ball signed by the entire Cardinals team. Simple and fast.

"Maybe if I had been wanting for money, it'd be different," Huyette said. "But I make a good living. I wasn't going to hold the country hostage for the ball.

"I told them I didn't need any money, but it'd be nice to meet some of the players."

There is a direct line of causality between Obama's election, the passage of Obamacare, and this disquieting abandonment of free-market principles. (Do not question my geometry, for I know I am right.) He didn't want money? What happened to what the market will bear? He could have at least taken the ball and crossed over into Illinois with it. Freedom! That's what Huck and Jim were trying to do. Going Galt strengthens one's negotiating position, and what is negotiation if not a means to both hold the country hostage and extract more cash.

Disturbing, to say the least.

Underarm Panopticon

2011-10-27T09:04:00.000-05:00

While the dirty hippies may have suffered a few setbacks recently, the corporate movement to Occupy Your Body advances steadily. The latest: all day, all night surveillance in your armpit, of your armpit. Imagine what they'll come up with next.

Beatle Tooth! Beatle Tooth! Beatle Tooth!

2011-10-24T11:24:00.000-05:00

Brother André's heart isn't the only relic found in Canada. Until recently, the tooth of one more popular than Jesus was there too.

Lennon gave the tooth to Dorothy "Dot" Jarlett when she worked as his housekeeper at his Kenwood home in Weybridge, Surrey, according to her son Barry. Jarlett, who was employed between 1964 and 1968, developed a warm relationship with Lennon, her son said.

"She was very close with John, and one day whilst chatting in the kitchen, John gave my mother the tooth (he had been to the dentist to have it removed that day) and suggested giving it to my sister as a souvenir, as she was a huge Beatles fan," he said. "It has been in the family ever since."

With the exception of the last two years, the tooth has been in Canada for 40 years after Dot Jarlett's daughter married a Canadian.

Now it's for sale, as is fit for things holy.

Partially and temporarily release the Kraken!

2011-10-21T22:24:00.002-05:00

A three-day gig for the Muscatine Kraken:

A new tenant on the Iowa City pedestrian mall turned more than a few heads and halted some people in their tracks Thursday night.

The Kraken, a giant inflatable river monster, temporarily has taken over the second floor of the former Vito’s building on College Street.

[…]

“You see these big tentacles and it sets your imagination on fire,” said artist Andrew Anderson, who designed the inflatable art piece that first went on display in Muscatine in June.

One might even say it triggers.

Image at the link.

For me, it looks like a big pink and white rodent, one that Rep. Steve King could take out with the right gun.

Teach the classificatory controversy

2011-10-21T12:51:00.000-05:00

Ricks Perry and Santorum are off to northwest Iowa this weekend to pose for pictures with Rep. Steve King, firearms, and dead pheasants. William Petrowski of the Des Moines Register provides some background and context.

King said in an interview with the Des Moines Register that he won’t be bringing his Desert Eagle handgun, a powerful semi-automatic weapon that he used last year to kill a raccoon at his rural Iowa home. His use of the handgun to dispatch the rodent raised the ire of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.

No word as of yet as to what guns the Ricks will use to shoot at the ~~penguins~~ ~~cranes~~ ~~fowl~~ birds.

Despicable Celebrity Alert

2011-10-19T12:16:00.001-05:00

A heads-up to our good friends at Big Hollywood, Big Sports, or whichever Big has jurisdiction over this type of thing. Argentine soccer star Lionel Messi says he gets excited when in his global travels he sees shirts and flags with Diego Maradona or Che Guevara on them. They give him a lovely feeling, he adds.

We're here to help.

Close one at the paper of record

2011-10-18T21:48:00.000-05:00

Bill Keller issues a correction:

Correction: October 17, 2011

An earlier version of my column incorrectly referred to Brazil as one of the countries where leaders “have been flamboyantly consolidating their own power.” I meant Venezuela.

Well, that's a relief. For a moment I thought Getúlio Vargas was back from the grave, tearing shit up.

Via.

You want humorless?

2011-10-18T12:55:00.000-05:00

You want something humorless? You got it:

Mr. Cain, jokes involving killing people is not a suitable topic for a joke. Hundreds of migrants die crossing our Southern border each year, and as a result this is an extremely sensitive topic, especially among most of America’s 51 million Hispanics. I’m sure most Americans would not appreciate jokes about 9-11, and most blacks would not appreciate jokes about hanging blacks either. Please refrain from ever repeating this proposal again.

Q: How many ¡Somos Republicanos! members does it take to change a light bu—
A: That's not funny!

But wait, Cain's zapping fence proposal wasn't supposed to be funny. Okay, the joke was supposed to be funny, but the joke was about something that in fact is not a joke and is not supposed to be funny, so it's both and neither, you see?

Message incoherence no more

2011-10-18T09:33:00.001-05:00

Serious site stumbles upon the dirty hippies' unifying message.

"Privatize the whore who gave you birth"

What monsters. Un-American monsters.

Scarface II: Tweaking the Script

2011-10-13T10:56:00.002-05:00

His nickname was Scarface…

In this country, you gotta get the unmatched socks first. Then when you get the unmatched socks, you lose the keys and the cellphone. Then when you lose the keys and the cellphone, you make a ludicrous proposal to an undercover agent. Then when you make a ludicrous proposal to an undercover agent, then you get ~~the women~~ indicted.

Buns of Bronze

2011-10-13T10:54:00.000-05:00

Captions welcomed.

Story.

What are all these sixes and sevens and nines?

2011-10-12T22:09:00.000-05:00

Time for some signifiers, signifieds, symbols in action, and possible deep play here at the Land Without Bread. That's right, we're going to take a quick (very quick, as you'll soon see) look at something called political culture, and specifically, the place of numbers in it. Consider: Rick Scott touted his "7-7-7" gimmick when he ran for governor of Florida in 2010. He won. Now Hermain Cain, who's seeking the Republican presidential nomination for 2012, has a similar shtick with "9-9-9." He's currently the GOP frontrunner.

Do these numbers enjoy a special place in right-wing political culture? In our broader political culture? In the culture of the US in general? Or are they just easy for the candidates to remember? Pressing questions, and ones we would really like to submit to our crack subcommittee of anthropologists (cultural, social, socio-cultural, forensic, linguistic, bio-medical, and of course, applied—but no archaeologists!) to get their expert analysis, but unfortunately we fired them all because we, like Governor Scott, determined they're useless. So who knows!

Apologies.

It's never too late to say I'm sorry

2011-09-28T21:00:00.002-05:00

Governor Perry apologized today for calling the xenophobic kooks "heartless."

It looks like someone else owes the kooks an apology as well, albeit a late one.

Hey, GOP. You've come a long way, baby!

You can take the plastic out of the bottle, but you can't take the bottle out of the plastic

2011-09-27T13:46:00.003-05:00

FC Barcelona soccer players have had trouble this season leaving it all on the field, with it being not some vague reference in yet another sports cliche but rather the sweat they produce when they run around and do what soccer players do for 90 minutes plus whatever the person on the sideline with the board with Christmas season lights decides to add. They blame their fancy new Nike shirts, which are supposed to wick away moisture but apparently retain it. The shirts are made of recycled materials, with each being the equivalent of 8 recycled bottles (article in Spanish), and the team has engaged in some scientific investigation to prove they do in fact hold too much of their water. During a recent game in Valencia, they weighed the shirts before kickoff and then again at halftime. The results: 200 grams and then 500 grams.

Nike says they will fix the problem soon. The Land Without Bread's ace reporter in Spain has learned, however, that Barcelona's big rival Real Madrid, whose uniforms are made by Adidas, has asked Nike and all members of the international soccer community not to move hastily on the issue, arguing that Barclona's experiment shows just one side of the complicated debate over global sporting apparel water retention, and that everyone involved should wait for all the science to come in before drawing any conclusions.

If the thunder don't get you

2011-09-16T22:13:00.000-05:00

then the UARS will.

When I was little I was afraid Skylab was going to smash into my house in Monterey, California. As it turns out, a piece of it did land in some dude's backyard in Esperance, Australia, so clearly I had good reason to be concerned. Nonetheless, my siblings still make fun of me to this day.

It's that time of year again

2011-09-12T21:33:00.001-05:00

The Miss Universe competition, of course, which means it's time for us to check in on Hinderaker.

We’ve noticed that pageant news is much easier to keep up with these days than it used to be. When we pioneered the coverage of pageants by serious political web sites some years ago, it was considered exotic if not scandalous. Now, however, news outlets of all sorts are tuned into the big international competitions. As it turned out, we were ahead of our time.

Call him Hinderaker the Harbinger. All you serious political websites now covering beauty pageants better recognize.

What language do they speak in Spain?

2011-09-06T13:45:00.000-05:00

An important question, among others.

I enjoy Surreal Football's charts.

Grandma's Mothballs, False Positives, and Six Months in a Spanish Prison

2011-09-06T09:06:00.000-05:00

Three months in a Spanish hospital becomes six months in a Spanish prison after grandma's laundry laundering gets grandson in trouble.

Six months seems a bit long for The Authorities to say, oops, sorry, testing error, you can go home now.

On a more positive note, it is good to see James Ingram has found something else to do now that his music career has kind of slowed down.

Is our children learning to push it to da limit?

2011-09-02T13:24:00.001-05:00

Recently the Land Without Bread took advantage of the summer transfer window to relocate from the Great State of Florida to the also Great State of Iowa. This morning, I noted to myself it had been a while since I last checked the papers down there, what with the move and all. So to the Miami Herald, and this is what I found:

By day, the Balere Language Academy is an A-rated charter school, home to children in kindergarten through middle school.

But when the kids are tucked into bed, Balere apparently becomes a playground of a different kind.

Party fliers, printed and on the Web, indicate that the campus at 10875 Quail Roost Dr. has been hosting raunchy, booze-soaked bashes into the wee hours. One flier for an upcoming party features a voluptuous, scantily clad woman posing with champagne bottles. Another shows a woman in a string bikini bending over suggestively and a man with flashy jewelry sitting on a stack of currency in front of a gold sports car.

The party's scheduled for tomorrow night. No indication if the stack of currency and gold car will be on campus.

Parents worry not, however, for the school board is on the case.

The school district received complaints from parents who wondered why there were empty beer bottles at their child’s school. They also complained about a lingering smell of smoke — and those provocative party promotions advertising Push it to Da Limit Pt-1: The Flossin Edition this coming Saturday.

On Thursday, the district sent the Language Academy a sternly worded letter reminding operators that the property is zoned to be a school and not a nightclub.

A sternly worded letter. Welcome to the Age of Obama. Seriously:

There’s little the district can do. Charter schools are funded by taxpayer dollars, but run by private or nonprofit boards independent of the school district.

Under state law, the district can close a charter school only if the school is in financial distress or has received a series of failing grades from the state Department of Education.

Chalk up another plus for charter schools: For the right price, they can go pedagogically Galt on the weekends.

School representatives are, nonetheless, taking this issue very seriously and will no doubt get to the bottom of it. Parents are concerned, after all, and complaining to the district.

Hill, the school’s attorney, said Balere had already delegated staff to investigate claims that the school is doubling as a party palace at night.

I'd like to read that memo.

He said staff plans to visit the school over the weekend “to assess whether any unapproved activities are indeed taking place without the knowledge and notice of the school.”

And I'd love to read that assessment.

You know, I can't say I don't miss that swampy state, in a Carl Hiaasen, God this place is fucked up kind of way.

Update (10:27 AM, September 4, 2011): Exclusive video from last night's "Push It to Da Limit" party.

You grandkids, get off of our lawn!

2011-07-14T17:16:00.000-05:00

Grandpa triggered by grill; grandkids saved by stump.

Funny what pulls one out of blog dormancy.

The Land Without Bread's Very Short Soccer Tips, with Video

2010-10-04T21:19:00.001-05:00

If you play Chelsea, protect your wall.

If you play Morales, protect your balls.

Even in a friendly.

Would calipers or a straight ruler be better for making this determination?

2010-10-01T21:40:00.002-05:00

Today I learned that in the 1940s U.S. scientists examined the foreskins of Guatemalan men interned in an asylum in that country. They needed to find men with foreskins of moderate length—whatever that may be—for their syphilis infection experiments. I'm not sure if I can say today was a good day.

Please read The Whole Thing. It is short and goes fast and is packed with crazy-ass, fucked-up shit.

My guess is that they just wanted an excuse to get breakfast at Gayle's

2010-10-01T21:15:00.000-05:00

Gayle's. Otherwise, why bother?

The Latino Partnership for Conservative Principles is sponsoring a bus tour of California to try to draw Latinos to Candidate Fiorina. The bus is traveling the state under the banner "Vota Tus Valores," which roughly translates as "Bash Gays, Force Pregnancies." Today they made an early stop in Santa Cruz. The Sentinel covered it, and the Vota Tus Valores blog covered the coverage.

The VotaBus met with some spirited opposition this morning, and local reporter Kurtis Alexander of the Santa Cruz Sentinel reports:
A bus tour promoting Republican Senate candidate Carly Fiorina made a brazen turn into largely Democratic Santa Cruz this morning where it encountered an expected protest against the former Hewlett-Packard CEO.
"We're here with a lot of courage," said Alfonso Aguilar, executive director of the Latino Partnership for Conservative Principles. "You known this is not easy."
The mission of Aguilar and the Vota Tus Valores bus tour is to rally Latino voters to Fiorina's side. Their method is pointing out what they see as shared positions between Latinos and Fiorina on social issues like opposition to abortion and criticism of gay marriage.
"Don't vote for Fiorina because she's Republican. Vote for her because she shares our values," Aguilar said.
... Fiorina faces incumbent Barbara Boxer in the Nov. 2 election. Polls suggest she's slightly behind but within reach.

The ellipsis is in the original. Let's see what got left out:

The dozen or so protesters, who met the bus at its scheduled stop at the Santa Cruz Mission, outnumbered supporters.

¡Éxito total! From the bus tour schedule I notice the Santa Cruz visit was scheduled for 9:30 this morning. This undoubtedly kept the number of protesters low, as Thursday night drum circles run late in Santa Cruz.

Next stop, haybaler country!

"The Ref Is a Commie!": Silvio Berlusconi Finds Yet Another Fifth Column

2010-09-23T16:56:00.005-05:00

Silvio Berlusconi is a rich man who owns a number of things. One of these things is the AC Milan soccer team. A couple of weeks ago AC Milan played its second game of the 2010-2011 season away at Cesena, a team that has just moved up to Italian soccer's Big Show and has so far done surprisingly well. They beat the visitors 2-0. Berlusconi knew why:

Berlusconi bizarrely blamed the Cesena defeat on a “left-wing referee” (La Repubblica helpfully spoke to locals in match official Carmine Russo’s hometown and discovered he’s actually more of a Popolo della Libertà voter, the right-wing coalition of which Berlusconi’s Forza Italia party is a prominent member)[.]

Such superficial discrepancies cannot distract the prime minister from the deeper truth. Further proof of an expansive footy fifth column: the crowd at the Cesena stadium expressed in song its desire to see Berlusconi in jail, and the ref did nothing.

One final note: It's not too late to exchange the Christmas gift for that special paranoid soccer club owner in your life from the t-shirt that says "The ref's a fucking wanker" to the one that says "The ref's a fucking commie."

They don't make guitar slingers or guitars like they used to

2010-09-22T20:01:00.000-05:00

ST. PETERSBURG — A man smashed an electric guitar over another man's head during an argument, police said.

Julius A. Casterberry, 47, of St. Petersburg was arguing with Henry Taylor at 1:45 a.m. Saturday, police said. Casterberry grabbed an electric guitar and hit Taylor over the head several times, breaking the guitar into pieces, police said.

Somebody obviously hasn't watched Keith Richards' very useful instructional video "How to Bonk Someone with an Electric Guitar and Stay in Tune," in two parts.

Time for a little 19th-century armchair ethnography from UEFA

2010-09-01T13:14:00.001-05:00

UEFA has banned vuvuzelas from UEFA-sponsored soccer games. From its official statement (my emphases):

European football's governing body has informed its 53 member associations that it has taken the move for reasons related to Europe's football culture and tradition, saying that the atmosphere at matches would be changed by the sound of the vuvuzela.

The World Cup was characterised by the vuvuzela's widespread and permanent use in the stands. In the specific context of South Africa, the vuvuzela adds a touch of local flavour and folklore, but UEFA feels that the instrument's widespread use would not be appropriate in Europe, where a continuous loud background noise would be emphasised.

Ultras and songs: culture; horns: folklore. Got it.

Hey, sucker!

2010-08-31T16:05:00.002-05:00

Young Guns having some fun.

Would you like that in nonconsecutive, unmarked bills, Colonel Gaddafi?

2010-08-31T09:45:00.000-05:00

The King of Kings of Africa has a plan. If the European Union pays Libya $6 billion each year, he'll keep Europe white. If they don't, well, they can't say he didn't warn them.

Great Moments in ALL CAPS

2010-08-30T18:56:00.005-05:00

Early seventeenth-century Spain saw no agreement among those in the know as to whether tobacco had a positive or negative effect on sex. Juan de Castro y Medinilla, in his Historia de las virtudes y propiedades del tabaco [History of the Virtues and Properties of Tobacco] (1620), comes down firmly on the negative side, insisting that it

CONSUMES SPERM AND DIMINISHES MARKEDLY COITUS

All caps in the original. Castro y Medinilla adds that it is "excellent for ecclesiastics and a danger for the betrothed and soldiers." Popes faced with certain scandals, take note.

Cited here.

Some good news and some bad news

2010-08-30T10:29:00.003-05:00

The good news is that Obama doesn't hate white people and he is not a Muslim. The bad news is that he's a Catholic priest who practices liberation theology and will soon quit his day job to run off to the Virginia swamp and wage guerrilla war against the United States. Or he'll teach poor kids to read. Either way, dangerous times these.

Shit, goddamn, how dare you, Hiaasen!

2010-08-28T21:27:00.003-05:00

Thinking of getting Carl Hiaasen's Scat for a Young Reader or two? Better read the reviews first—not the gushy, "We love you, Carl!" ones but the negative ones, particularly a pair of two-starrers. First, reviewer K. Anderer troll rates the book because it has naughty words like "damn" and "dumbass" and reviewer K. Anderer didn't check for such things before giving the book to a Young Reader. Second, reviewer Barbara A. Malia:

I WOULD ADVISE ADULTS BUYING THIS BOOK FOR THEIR
CHILDREN TO READ IT FIRST. I'D HATE TO SEE A 10
OR 12 YEAR OLD CHILD READING THIS.…A
STRANGE SWAMP GUY TIEING ANOTHER MAN TO A TREE WITH
NO CLOTHES ON.

The entire review is written in all caps. It is mercifully brief.

As is so often the case, fun to be found in the comments.

Apologies to both Funkadelic and Hiaasen.

We'll take care of Inter Milan and Real Madrid, but Lord deliver us from Wigan Athletic

2010-08-28T21:06:00.003-05:00

Last season Wigan Athletic finished 16th in the English Premier League. They did better than West Ham in terms of points but had a league-leading -42 goal difference overall. This season hasn't started off too well: In Week One they got blown out by Blackpool 4-0, and in Week Two they got even more blown out by Chelsea 6-0. That's -10 after two games—perhaps they're trying to set a record. Their Week Three opponent today was Tottenham Hotspur.

Tottenham Hotspur finished fourth last year and qualified for the Champions League playoff. They faced off against Swiss league runner-up Young Boys, if that is indeed their real name, and beat them, thus securing a spot in group play. The second of two matches, which the Spurs won 4-0, took place on Wednesday, and after forward Peter Crouch talked a big game.

"We want massive games," said Crouch, who, along with Spurs' other Englishmen, was watched by the England coach, Fabio Capello, and his assistant, Franco Baldini. "We want Real Madrid and Inter. You don't know how good you are until you play against the best. This is massive."

The Champions League lottery was held Thursday, and Crouch got his wish. Tottenham Hotspur is in Group A with Inter Milan.

As mentioned above, they played Wigan today. As not mentioned above, they lost, 1-0. Massive.

Embrace It (Apropos of Nothing)

2010-08-25T19:32:00.002-05:00

An official statement from the Spanish Inquisition (Madrid, 1789).

Intolerance is a fundamental law of the Spanish nation, it was not established by the common people, and it is not they who should abolish it.

Shit, say what you want about the Santo Oficio, but at least they were true to their reactionary principles and honest and open about them, to the bitter end.

Quoted here.

A Voter's Dilemma: The Denouement

2010-08-25T09:41:00.000-05:00

Last week we expressed sympathy—but certainly not empathy, that's for activist judges!—for the good people of Putnam County who were faced with a difficult decision between order and poetry. It looks like the school buses will reach their stops a little bit more on time now that Il Duce is taking over District One. No word as to whether or not there are plans to invade an unsuspecting school district in Georgia.

You had me at reconsiferation

2010-08-20T08:13:00.003-05:00

Dr. Orly Taitz has determined President Obama's current passport is a forgery. She has asked the United States Supreme Court to try him criminally for this and to give her money for emotional distress. Taitz is a political dissident persecuted by many, you see. This latest humble request went directly to all nine justices of the Supreme Court in a sort of preemptive en bancment given the Court's most recent Taitz-related ruling. Because she didn't get her law degree from no cereal box.

A Voter's Dilemma

2010-08-17T18:24:00.002-05:00

Florida voters go to the polls next Tuesday. Primaries for party members, some non-partisan races for everybody. School boards, for example. Voters in Putnam County have a tough choice to make for District 1 (sample ballot).

I'm glad I don't live there because that would be a hard one. Milton certainly wrote some pretty things—always a plus for someone involved in education—but I think I would have to go with Mussoline. Just think of the school uniforms!

So much depends on the players to be named later

2010-08-16T10:42:00.004-05:00

Now comes news of Dr. Orly Taitz's latest legal maneuvers, courtesy of a blog post from ifthethunderdontgetya, if that is indeed his real blog. The doctor-lawyer, as all good taitzologists are aware, is fighting a fine imposed by a federal judge in Georgia. She asked Justice Thomas for a stay; he said no. She then went to Justice Alito with the same request, and he sent it to the whole court en banc to get the damn thing over with. As thunder points out, she also requested of the Supreme Court revision of Thomas' signature on the denial, as she has reason to believe it had been forged. But that is not all, no, that is not all. Taitz requested permission to review the signatures of all nine Justices, for she has determined that Something is up at the Supreme Court. Let us now turn to her submission to the Court:

Currently, there is a clear pattern of entries being made on the docket of the Supreme Court, or entries or even cases deleted, when the court is closed and the Justices and the clerks are not there.

Scandal!

Supreme Court is not a city bus, when one can go in and out any times he feels like.

And yet the truth of Obama's origin has been thrown under it.

What she wants to make things right:

1. Taitz is requesting an appointment to visit the Supreme Court with a forensic document expert (to be identified at a later date) and view the orders pertaining to her cases and verify and clarify, that there is a valid signature of Justice Thomas and his clerk on the denial of application [blah blah blah].

Ah, the document expert to be named later. Has the Major League Birther trade deadline passed yet?

2. Taitz is requesting an appointment to visit the Supreme Court with a forensic document expert and verify that there genuine signatures of all nine Justices on the denial of her case [from last year].

The same player to be named later, I assume. So far, a reasonable request.

3. Taitz is requesting your Honor to grant her and her computer security expert (to be identified at a later date) access to the electronic docket of the cases pertaining to her and her clients, in order to ascertain who made an entry in the docket 10A56 on Saturday, July 17, 2010 and who deleted the Application 08A 524 from the docket of the Supreme Court and whether such person was authorized to make such changes to the docket.

Forensic document expert and computer security expert, both to be named later. All one guy, no doubt. My money is on that guy Pamela Geller featured who claimed to prove Obama's Hawaiian birth certificate was a forgery. What was his name?

In addition to filing this request with the Chief Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court, Taitz submitted copies of it to the acting Solicitor General of the United States, the U.S. Attorney's office in Georgia, the U.S. Commission on Civil Rights, the Department of Justice's Public Integrity Section, the UN High Commission for Human Rights, the UN Commission for Civil Rights Defenders, and three offices of the International Criminal Court. I am not making this up.

This just in: The Supreme Court has denied Taitz's request for a stay of the fine, but no word so far on the above request for access and verification. Good news for truth and for John McCain!

Getting Lapped

2010-08-16T09:51:00.000-05:00

A few days ago I read and enjoyed this post by Hendrik Hertzberg on the whole pathetic Cordoba House rattling, specifically, the strained attempts to equate the New York City project with the Carmelite convent at Auschwitz. I particularly liked this turn of phrase (links in original):

To demand that an Islamic cultural center run by Muslims opposed to terrorism not be built two blocks from the WTC site is like demanding that a Unitarian church not be built two blocks from an abortion clinic bombed by the “Christian” murderer of the late Dr. George Tiller.

Today I read Edroso's Monday column at the Village Voice and found this (link and ellipses in original):

And, oh Jesus, when they got into the thought experiments... prominent rightwing screamery Town Hall riddled us this: "Would President Obama speak out in support of a minister... if a self-identified 'moderate' Christian sought to erect a giant church at, say, a site where radicals claiming to be Christians had murdered 3000 abortion clinic doctors, so long as the construction was done in 'accordance with local laws and ordinances'?" There's only one possible response to this kind of argument: Huh?

I never liked the Peak Wingnut concept; I thought it was misplaced. But we're at a special place when the efforts of smart, creative people to satirize right-wing screeching with exaggerated, absurd, yet logically consistent overstatements of kooky positions get lapped by the kooky positions themselves.

Birmingham! Birmingham! Birmingham!

2010-08-15T21:05:00.002-05:00

Maradona blogging is always fun, especially Coach Maradona blogging. He's out as Argentina's head coach, of course, and is now looking for a new job. Agent Walter Soriano indicates where:

He told the Sunday Mercury: “I think Diego would be very open to the idea of coming to England and managing Aston Villa.

“He is very attracted to English football and the way of life in your country and I know he would be very willing to move there.

“He loves the English countryside and your respect for privacy, so he would be very happy there, especially at a big club like Aston Villa.”

He'll enjoy Birmingham's wide open spaces. He loves to run and run and run.

Don't give them any ideas

2010-08-15T20:09:00.001-05:00

Frank Rich on the right-wing freak-out over reports that Judge Walker may be gay (my emphasis):

The notion that a judge’s sexuality, gay or not, might disqualify him from ruling on marriage is as absurd as saying Clarence Thomas can’t rule on cases involving African-Americans. By this standard, the only qualified judge to rule on marital rights would be a eunuch.

Don't give them any ideas.

Since You've Been Gones

2010-08-05T18:56:00.002-05:00

The second (1970) is funkier and has the back and forth between Brown and Byrd, but the first (1956, actually called "Just Won't Do Right") has better lyrics. Drinking and gambling over staying in the chapel any day, any night.

Do you know who else called himself Adolfo, except not in Spanish?

2010-08-03T11:56:00.001-05:00

A cheery little story for your Tuesday afternoon. Panama gets a serial killer. Police have arrested an expat from North Carolina who's into steroids and white supremacy and who according to the cops says he did it. And yes, Hitler plays a part in the tale.

Dumped in the Desert Chic

2010-07-31T10:40:00.002-05:00

Recently the cosmetics company MAC, a subsidiary of Estee Lauder, and the fashion design company Rodarte got together to make a new make-up line inspired by the continuing gender violence in Ciudad Juárez, Mexico. What could possibly go wrong?

The Bullfighting Aficionado is the Crypto-Jew of Catalan Inquisitionial Fascism, or Something

2010-07-29T10:32:00.003-05:00

While we wait for the liberal fascists at the Subcommittee on International Touchy Feely to put up the hearing transcript, it's bonus bullfight blogging! El País asked a group of Those in the Know to share their opinions on the new Catalan ban. Fernando Savater, who has a book coming out in September on the ethics of bullfighting, is staid in his analysis.

El Parlamento de Cataluña prohíbe los toros pero de paso reinventa el Santo Oficio[.]

[The Catalan Parliament prohibits bullfighting but at the same time reinvents the Holy Office of the Inquisition.]

That's right, Fernando. And it's your turn on the rack as soon as those meddling, moralizing Catalans stop ignoring you. And your book goes straight to the bonfire at the next auto de fé at Camp Nou.

Those Crazy Catalanes

2010-07-28T10:16:00.003-05:00

The Catalan regional parliament has banned bullfighting, effective 2012. Currently the region has one active bullring in the city of Barcelona. The Partido Popular is not pleased as they see the move as an affront to Spanish national identity and culture. Regional President Alicia Sánchez Camacho says the party will ask the Cortes Generales (Spain's legislature) to declare bullfighting of "interés cultural general" (general cultural interest) so that no autonomous region within Spain can do what Catalonia has done. Mariano Rajoy, the PP's leader, wants to go further. He says the party will ask the Zapatero government to request UNESCO declare bullfighting an Intangible Heritage in Need of Urgent Safeguarding, like the tango in Argentina and the whistle language of La Gomera Island, Spain. He compares bullfighting with hunting, sport fishing, and motorcycle races and wonders what would happen if a region went so far as the ban one of these bulwarks of national identity.

Blessed are the poor for they shall not become Nazis

2010-07-27T21:06:00.002-05:00

Mark Leon Goldberg of UN Dispatch attended a hearing today held by the House Foreign Affairs Subcommittee on International Organizations, Human Rights, and Oversight. The topic was the UN’s Millennium Development Goals. The White House would like to see progress made toward achieving these, arguing that eliminating or at least ameliorating global poverty is good for United States security. Republican Dana Rohrabacher is not fooled:

Congressman Dana Rohrabacher, who is the ranking member of the House Foreign Affairs Subcommittee on International Organizations, Human Rights, and Oversight apparently disagrees with this premise. At a subcommittee hearing on the MDGs that I attended this morning he railed against the very idea that security threats could emanate from poor countries. After all, he said, "Adolf Hitler came from a developed country!"

That is how you do it, my friends. A master at the height of his craft.

When the subcommittee makes the hearing transcript available, I will read it. Yes, I will.

Comparative Gaddafi Studies

2010-07-26T23:20:00.004-05:00

I used to follow William Izarra and his prolonged attempt to convince himself and others (read Chávez) that he is a leading theoretician of 21st-century socialism. He formed an organization called the Centros para Formación Ideológica and through these centers gives workshops to make organic intellectuals across Venezuela. I stopped following him because I got sick of reading his writing, but the blogspot address is still there in the reader and so the new posts do come in. A good thing, because today this showed up:

Firma de Convenio de CFI-Libro Verde

Mañana martes 27 de Julio a las 12m, el CFI firmará un Convenio de Intercambio de Saberes con el Centro Mundial para el Estudio del Libro Verde un respaldo a la formación política, difusión ideológica e investigación teórica que desde hace ya 6 años venimos activando como CFI, muy humildemente, en las estructuras populares del Proceso Revolucionario.

[Tomorrow, Tuesday, July 27, at 12 noon, the Centers for Ideological Formation will sign an Agreement for the Exchange of Knowledge with the World Center for the Study of the Green Book. This will serve to support the political development, ideological diffusion and theoretical research that we at the CFI have for six years humbly provided the popular structures of the Revolutionary Process.]

The signing will take place in a National Assembly administrative office, so some member of the Assembly has lent space for the important event.

I tried to get a jump on the participants in the upcoming comparative workshops but to avail. The online English version of Gaddafi’s seminal text only takes me so far.

National Review, your prince has arrived

2010-07-24T21:24:00.003-05:00

The best part is, he really is a prince!

Louis Alphonse of Bourbon, claimant to the throne of France and banker in Caracas, is tired of the Zapatero government's disrespectful treatment of his great-grandfather, Francisco Franco, and has decided it's time to set the record straight on all the Good Things the Generalísimo did.

"Franco creó la clase media española, creó bosques, embalses y carreteras, se empecinó en que su país no fuera a la guerra y que no se instalara el comunismo. Evidentemente, hubo una guerra civil, pero él no la hubiese querido."

["Franco created the Spanish middle class; he created forests, reservoirs, and roads; he was persistent in keeping his country out of war and keeping communism out of the country. Obviously, there was a civil war, but he would have preferred otherwise."]

Yes, over all of Spain, one thing is clear: avoiding war was to Franco dear.

Also true Good Things: Francisco Franco taught Xavi Hernández everything he knows about midfield play. Additionally, it was he who convinced Paco de Lucía and El Camarón de la Isla to play together.

Back to reality, sort of. Louis Alphonse says he's ready to assume the French throne if called upon to do so. He says his Venezuelan wife is taking French classes so she too will be prepared.

Best to keep that job at the bank in the meantime.

One border, one culture, one extermination effort

2010-07-23T20:44:00.002-05:00

It's been some time since I last looked at Deborah Solomon's annoying interviews series in the New York Times Sunday Magazine. This past weekend she spoke with Vicente Fox, former President of Mexico and former President of Coca-Cola Mexico (not in that order). One exchange caught my eye and almost warmed my heart. Almost.

What do you think Mexicans have contributed to American culture?
Oh, starting with Mexican food! The jalapeños and the tacos and the rest. I think they have contributed family values. And then we have our culture. When you were killing Indian Apaches there, we had built Mayan cities, the pyramids, Mexico City.

On that last part—the Indian part—a more accurate response, especially for a northerner like Fox, would have been "When you were killing Indian Apaches there, we were doing the same here. We have so much in common!"

A land flowing with milk and jello

2010-07-23T13:04:00.004-05:00

Talking Points Memo alerts us vital news coming out of Texas courtesy of Fox News and Fox News alone. It appears that the city of San Antonio practices a strange urban planning tradition which places bars—perhaps even honky-tonks—in proximity to military bases. At these establishments an odd ritual takes place in which men from the bases encounter women from the town. In the shocking case before us, these are Afghan men who take English classes and Big Mexican Women who take them for rides in their automobiles:

The Afghan military men usually meet the women at three nightclubs in San Antonio, according to the DLI source, who accompanied some of the men to these locations and has been privy to discussions among them about the establishments and the women. The nightclubs include two military hangouts — Tiffany’s Cocktails and Mirage, located outside Lackland's main gate — and Graham Central Station, a massive warehouse-like building in downtown San Antonio that houses "six nightclubs under one roof" that host a variety of theme nights.

TPM repeats the bars' basic information as first discovered in the original EXCLUSIVE and even contacts the establishments, but they leave out Fox News' most important revelation:

Photos on Graham Central's website show scantily clad women rolling around in what appears to be Jell-O.

And the Big Mexican Women say to the Afghan men as they ride in their automobiles, "This, too, shall be yours. You shall have all the jello you want, any flavor, any time. You shall have it on scantily clad women and not on scantily clad women. You shall have it in Canada and you shall have it in Texas, for this land we give to you."

"His hair is like the sun in the Uruguayan flag"

2010-07-22T21:14:00.001-05:00

No autogoles here.

Don't miss Luis Suárez's block around 0:45.

Story.

Break time at USDA HQ

2010-07-22T15:07:00.004-05:00

Every so often it's good to take break from the serious, sometimes strenuous work of bureaucracy and play a nice game of soccer at the office field. I know this because Max Weber wrote extensively about bureaucrats and soccer, and just as Bo knows real football, Max knows bureaucrats. State-level field office directors versus headquarter-based political appointees often makes for a good match-up. Here's how they do it at the U.S. Ag Department.

A teachable moment for all you up-and-coming USDA intramural soccer stars: When the other team gives you the ball and leaves its goalmouth wide open, shoot in its direction.

This is what it looks like when doves cry

2010-07-18T19:34:00.002-05:00

Wesley Sneijder and Yolanthe Cabau van Kasbergen, the David Beckham and Posh Spice of the Netherlands, got married the other day. As part of the ceremony they released doves. Then Sneijder's Dutch national teammates Nigel de Jong and Mark van Bommel caught the birds and crushed them under their cleats. A good time was had by all.

Good God, I love a good schism

2010-07-18T17:16:00.002-05:00

Okay, so it doesn't rise to the level of Great Schism—yet—but I'll take it. This, my friends, is how grassroots democracy from the ground up is done. Watch and learn:

The membership of the National Tea Party Federation has this evening suspended and will immediately expel Tea Party Express from any further association with the Federation should they fail to publicly rebuke Mark Williams and remove him from their ranks by 3 pm eastern time Saturday July 17.

The rebuke must take the following form:

1. Mark Williams must be officially removed from the ranks of the Tea Party Express.
2. Notice of Mark Williams' removal must be placed prominently on the official Tea Party Express website.
3. Tea Party Express must issue a press release articulating points 1 and 2 above.

They also have to say, "I break with thee, I break with thee, I break with thee" and throw dog poop on his shoes. That's the way Paul Revere did it when he had to dump an apprentice or fire his little horsie.

So far the Express teabaggers' response has been a hearty, three-cornered-hatted "Fuck thee."

FIFA fo fum, Mandela leaves when the game is done

2010-07-11T11:58:00.001-05:00

Score another autogol for the sweetest, kindest international sports body in the world. Mandla Mandela is Nelson Mandela's grandson:

Speaking to the BBC earlier, Mandla Mandela, said: "We've come under extreme pressure from Fifa [the governing body of world football] requiring and wishing that my grandfather be at the final.

"But I think that decision will solemnly lie with him, as how he wakes up today, how he feels, and what his medical team says.

"My grandfather is 92 years old next week, this is an evening game; he's expected to hand over the trophy after the game which could be anything from 2230 to 2300 and it will be quite strenuous on his part."

Mandela has decided to meet fans before the game and then go home to watch it. No post-tournament Adidas contract for you, Mr. President!

For a stupid attempt to make a funny, see Jeffrey Marcus at the Times' Goal blog.

Awards Banquet Update (8:55 PM): Forlán gets the Golden Ball. The Land Without Bread approves. Casillas wins the Golden Glove and steals a kiss from his sweetheart.

It is not clear if she approves.

Life in the Key of B Flat: The Olympic Soundtrack

2010-07-05T19:52:00.004-05:00

Vuvuzela haters are out there, spreading their hate. Take Sebastian Coe, for example, former middle distance runner, current Conservative Party member and head of the London Olympic Organizing Committee:

LONDON (Reuters) - Sebastian Coe wants a vuvuzela-free London Olympics in 2012, the Games chief said on Monday.

The plastic horns have provided the soundtrack to soccer's World Cup in South Africa but were banned from the Wimbledon tennis and Coe does not want the one-pitched drone causing headaches for athletes and fans when the Games start.

"I'm a libertarian on these issues but Olympic sport is very particular and you wouldn't want anything to trespass on that extraordinary theater that takes place in the five or six minutes before the 100 meters final," he told Reuters.

Like a good libertarian, Coe doesn't allow his principles to get carried away and assume real-life life. But ban this, Mr. Coe, and I may forget the discrepancy.

They may keep the vuvuzelas out of the track and field stadium, but they can't stop gymnasts from picking their floor exercise music. Here it is, gymnasts and coaches—the Nadia's Theme of the 21st century. Get it and get ahead of the choreographic cure now.

A solemn oath to linkback

2010-07-05T11:34:00.001-05:00

Today is Independence Day in Venezuela, and what better way to celebrate than to take in some Big Peace, Andrew Breitbart's latest variation on the same damn whiny thing. Frank Gaffney's introductory "New Declaration of Independence" is a good sign of the self-satisfied bombast to come.

It is a privilege for me and my colleagues at the Center for Security Policy to be with [some dudes] at the inception of this powerful new force-for-good. We join them in pledging our lives, our fortunes and our sacred honor to its success in ensuring that this great country enjoys many more Fourths of July in security, peace and prosperity.

Settle down, Beavis. It's a web log.

Maradona shows his genius yet again

2010-07-04T10:57:00.003-05:00

Another brilliant coaching performance by Argentine head coach Diego Armando Maradona yesterday. No one prepares better for a match than he. Our Man on the Scene in South Africa has gained exclusive access to Maradona's playbook for yesterday's game against Germany, and it provides further proof of the man's coaching genius. It's a video playbook, since Maradona, unlike FIFA, knows the latest technology and isn't afraid to use it. Those looking for defense can suck it. Maradona don't play that.

And in case Messi can't execute that one, the backup plan:

Again, congratulations to Maradona, and shame on Germany for slipping the ballboy into the game. Very much not Fair Play.

Sharpie Not Included

2010-06-11T22:36:00.006-05:00

Charlie Crist vetoed a bad abortion bill. This, despite the reverberation of silent cries throughout Tallahassee today.

As Crist made his final decision, a group known as Bound 4 Life held a daily silent prayer in the Capitol rotunda in support of the bill. On Tuesday, 14 members of the group stood silently with red tape covering their mouths and the word "life" written on the tape.

"Anything that can save more babies is something that's good legislation to be passed," said Jared Olsen, an organizer for the group. He noted the red tape represents the "silent cries of the unborn in the womb.''

Bound 4 Life will sell you a roll of red stucco tape for just seven bucks. You'll have to provide your own Sharpie pen for articulating the womb babies' sounds of silence.

Butts Up World Cup

2010-06-11T12:35:00.002-05:00

Diego Armando Maradona may be crazy, but he's crazy like a Pampas Fox because he knows something other World Cup coaches don't know and is preparing his team accordingly (video). This year group play is soccer as usual, but once they move on to the second round, FIFA will take the sport to the Next Level. They'll fill in the space between the posts and the crossbar with a wall, and then it will be game on! It should make things more exciting.

Pick Your Battles: The Acronym Front

2010-06-05T09:23:00.000-05:00

VIERA, Fla. --- In lieu of recent events regarding the British Petroleum (BP) oil spill of the Gulf Coast of the United States, the Brevard County Manatees have announced that the club will be officially changing the name of "batting practice" or "BP" for short to "hitting rehearsal".

"As an organization we feel that changing the term 'batting practice' and 'BP' to 'hitting rehearsal' shows that we are deeply concerned and hurt by the disaster on the Gulf Coast," Manatees General Manager Kyle Smith said.

I suggest others join this noble cause. For example, archaeologists and geologists could replace their BP (Before Present) with Before Today. They could call it BTO, which has a nice ring to it.

Advanced Mechanics

2010-06-04T22:26:00.003-05:00

I have just started reading this collection of prose and verse by Daniil Kharms and Alexander Vvedensky. It begins with an Introduction, which I found at the beginning of the book. Here editor and translator George Gibian recounts a story.

One of Kharms's friends, Vladimir Lifshits, wrote in his recollections of the poet that his room was sparsely, ascetically furnished. In one corner a strange object stood out in the almost empty room. It was made of pieces of iron, wooden boards, empty cigarette boxes, springs, bicycle wheels, twine, and cans. When Lifshits asked what it was, Kharms replied, "A machine." "What kind of machine?" "No kind. Just a machine in general." "And where does it come from?" "I put it together myself," Kharms said proudly. "What does it do?" "It does nothing." "What do you mean nothing?" "Simply nothing." "What is it for?" "I just wanted to have a machine at home." He did not call it a collage, a sculpture, or an objet trouvé—it was simply a machine to do nothing.

BP has one of these and has been using it at the Deepwater Horizon site for the past six weeks. They've kept it a secret because they know if people found out they have a nothing machine, they would want one too.

I am beginning to suspect there's a similar machine in the Oval Office.

L'Trimm is not serious Miami Bass music

2010-06-04T16:47:00.002-05:00

I will forever reserve a special place in my heart for L'Trimm and the cars that go boom. Nonetheless, I must admit that there has always been something less than satisfactory about them. A compelling essay found at Wikipedia gets to the core problem:

Typically, L'Trimm is not seen as a "serious" Miami Bass group.

It is true. L'Trimm is simply not serious Miami Bass. They lack the depth, complexity, and lasting pertinence displayed in such works as 2 Live Crew's "Shake a Little Something," DJ Laz's "Journey Into Bass," or, extending the genre beyond the immediate confines of Miami, the 69 Boyz's "Tootsie Roll."

L'Trimm is not serious Miami Bass.

He has a wife, you know

2010-06-04T10:33:00.002-05:00

Hello, just looking for marigolds in the dungheap of South Carolina Republican politics. Aha!

Political science professor Professor Robert W. Oldendick said he can't recall a similar instance of such personal revelations emerging so late in such a high-profile race.

"This level of dribs and drabs coming out is really unprecedented," Oldendick said.

Students call him Dr. Oldendick out of respect.

Creative Prophylactic Solutions

2010-05-31T12:51:00.002-05:00

At baseball games, concerts and other entertainment events, Cubans blow them up and bat them around the crowd like beach balls.

From Global Posts's photo essay on rubber use in Cuba.

Cuba’s pigeon coop hobbyists like to clip the condoms into flexible rings they can use to tie messages to the legs of their messenger birds.

The message: "Go down to the pharmacy and get more rubbers. I'm running out of moonshine gauges!"

Cuban fisherman use condoms as floats.

Floats or as foreseen by the thunder, squadrons of a far-flung orb and zorb armada of vengeance?

Call the local zorb protection society

2010-05-29T15:15:00.001-05:00

They're cutting them in half and then jumping on them! And the ones they're not using are stacked away like Goya bean cans, either halved or ready to be halved.

It's like a game for this guy. Ho ho, let's pretend I'm in the Olympics skiing moguls—on the heads of helpless zorbs! Or would that be tails?

I can't watch.

Real silly bands: It's okay to throw out those WWJD? bracelets now

2010-05-27T21:48:00.000-05:00

Silly Bandz are in the news as some schools around the country have banned them. School administrators have determined they represent an educator's existential threat. The very popular rubber bands have inspired a number of imitators, including—surprise!—an evangelical Christian one. Believer Bands come in three different packs and can be purchased online, but they're currently on back order. Everyone wants a rotten apple on their wrist. I like the bundle of spikes best. It seems like a good playground icebreaker. "Hi, you must be the new kid. They drove these through His feet and wrists. I'll trade it for your purple unicorn!"

And now reason to root against Brazil in the World Cup

2010-05-27T19:24:00.000-05:00

From a Guardian article on Brazilian evangelicals' plans to proselytize North Koreans in South Africa:

At least four members of Brazil's team – Kaka, Lucio, Luisão and Felipe Melo — are evangelicals who reportedly hold Bible readings following training sessions.

The separation between church and sport has become an increasingly sensitive issue in Brazil, however. Last year Fifa wrote a warning letter to Brazil's football association, the CBF, after Brazilian players appeared at the Confederations Cup final with shirts reading "I belong to Jesus" and "I love God". Fifa rules outlaw the use of clothing carrying "political, religious or personal statements".

They did this when they won the World Cup in 2002.

Yet another reason to root against Argentina in the World Cup

2010-05-26T11:31:00.002-05:00

BUENOS AIRES, Argentina — Diego Maradona has promised to run naked through the center of Buenos Aires if Argentina wins the World Cup.

No word from Maradona as to whether or not he will ask those who witness this spectacle to suck it.

Leaving Cambiasso off the team was bad enough, but this is too much.

Now it's time to play Name That Inappropriate Physical Relationship!

2010-05-26T10:55:00.001-05:00

Will Folks says he had an "inappropriate physical relationship" with South Carolina state legislator and gubernatorial candidate Nikki Haley. He says he has the text messages to prove it. What was that supposed relationship?

He [Folks] wouldn't say if he had intercourse with her but he said it was "inappropriate sexual contact," it happened more than once and it ended by mutual decision.

I think I'm going to have to go with Nikki Sixxtynine.

But wait, here's presidential wannabe Mitt Romney.

"I stand four square by Nikki Haley," the former Massachusetts governor said in a statement to CBS News,

Whoa, TMI, Mitt, TMI. Leave it to the Mormon to outfreak the field.

The Education of a Professional Internet Baby: A Little Ignorance Can Make a Grand Scheme

2010-05-25T21:43:00.004-05:00

The May 24, 2010 issue of The New Yorker—the one with Rebecca Mead's piece on Andrew Breitbart—arrived this past Saturday. I read the profile, of course, because it was on the liberal fascist required reading list for the weekend before Memorial Day weekend. Breitbart has turned petulance into an online career. Obviously nothing new to Those in the Know. The one thing that jumped out at me was his reflection on college and what he took away from it. Breitbart went to Tulane, and it appears he took great advantage of the many non-academic opportunities New Orleans has to offer. When he did make it to class, he studied American Studies and was intimidated and confused by the political theory his professors introduced. Habermas, Derrida, Foucault—what the difference! Camille Paglia, take me away! Breitbart embraced his ignorance and made it into an elegant conspiracy theory of twentieth-century cultural conquest. It turns out the Frankfurt School slowly but steadily gained control over everything of mass cultural consequence and nobody but Breitbart noticed.

Breitbart also began to reconsider the education that he had received in Tulane’s American Studies department, where, in his off-hours from partying, he had been exposed to critical theory. “I wanted to read Mark Twain and Emerson and Thoreau,” he says. “And I remember moments in class where I thought my head was going to explode, going, What the fuck are these people talking about? I don’t understand what this deconstructive semiotic bullshit is. Who the fuck is Michel Foucault?” He came across the work of Camille Paglia, and was captivated by her analysis of the takeover of academia by the left.

“A lot of these guys I was reading about in my American Studies class were German and Italian social scientists from the University of Frankfurt,” he says. “Once you see what their plan was, you realize that it was implemented. It was taking over the cultural institutions. The left is smart enough to understand that the way to change a political system is through its cultural systems. So you look at the conservative movement—working the levers of power, creating think tanks, and trying to get people elected in different places—while the left is taking over Hollywood, the music industry, the churches. They did it through academia; they did it with K-12. You look back at the last forty years, and people didn’t put up a fight.”

Now we know, and knowing is half the battle.

On a personal note, I'm afraid my grandmother might bear some responsibility in all this. She was born and raised in Manhattan. My great-aunt told me they used to go down to the New School for Social Research and listen to lectures when they were in their twenties. This was in the 1930s, when the New School set up the University in Exile to receive Frankfurt School members and other European intellectuals who had escaped fascist regimes. My grandmother and great-aunt heard these people speak. They probably even took notes. Roughly 10 years later she had my mom, and my mom became a school teacher (K-12!). From the perspective of Breitbart's grand scheme, this makes my grandmother some kind of modern-day Malinche, but apparently not the only one. They and their issue are everywhere!

A song about a fruit

2010-05-23T15:43:00.001-05:00

Here is a song about a fruit.

"Ese mango" by the Hermanos Flores. The refrain:

Ese mango ya está maduro
Ni está muy blando
Ni está muy duro
Ese mango ya está rebueno
Para chuparle toda la miel

[That mango is just ripe
It's not too soft
And it's not too hard
That mango is just right
To suck all its juice]

The song:

Totally Pauly

2010-05-22T11:07:00.003-05:00

After winning the GOP primary in Kentucky, Dr. Rand Paul went on to have what could possibly be the best week ever. And the forecast says that next week will likely be…quite different. His national media tour of libertarian triumph has been scaled back, and Republican strategists are now encouraging him to go back home and focus on ~~Kentucky~~ minimizing their embarrassment by cutting down on the forthright expression of kooky ideas, at least in public.

He should focus less on the national media spotlight and more on Kentucky and the economy, Republican insiders said Friday.

"He needs to understand that for Republican officials who want to be unified and get behind him, it's going to be hard to do that if he keeps having cringe-worthy moments," said Scott Jennings, a Kentucky Republican political strategist and former George W. Bush administration official.

One step toward greater cringe-worthy moment reduction and management: canceling his appearance on some Sunday show called Meet the Press. The show's executive producer puts Paul's pull-out in perspective.

"We tried to impress upon them that this is a big deal," Fischer continues. "The only other two people to cancel have been Louis Farrakhan and Prince Bandar of Saudi Arabia."

Farrakhan is a demagogue and an asshole and Bandar is a fighter pilot. What's Paul's excuse?

In any event, this quick shift in strategy and exposure probably means Paul has more time to participate in local events in the great state of Kentucky. Let's check his schedule for the next few weeks. Today he has a Republican Party Unity Rally at the Mitch McConnell Building in Frankfort. After the rally, nothing. Nothing for tomorrow, nothing for next week, nothing for next month.

I guess it's the Unity Rally then. Mitch McConnell, who did not support Paul in the primary, will be there, at the Mitch McConnell Building in Frankfort, Kentucky. Awkward!

"This is going to be like a Thanksgiving dinner in a dysfunctional family," [Claremont McKenna College Professor Jack] Pitney said. "There will be awkward pauses and meaningful glances exchanged."

And a common nervous sense of this race's import, for Republicans know that Crazy Man Bunning's seat must be filled by Crazy Man Paul if they want to save the nation from compulsory bisexuality.

The White House Shreds

2010-05-21T12:37:00.008-05:00

On Wednesday President Obama hosted President Calderón for a state dinner at the White House. After the courses and the niceties came music, with performances by Rodrigo and Gabriela and somebody named Beyonce. Rodrigo and Gabriela got their start in a Mexico City thrash metal band called Tierra Ácida and have since gone on to international success as an acoustic duo. They cite as major influences Metallica, Megadeth, and Slayer, among others. I don't know if the White House will put up video of their show, so in the meantime, "Tamacun."

Eric Holder's job just got a whole lot tougher, as Dr. Orly Taitz can now call on a nationally renowned expert witness

2010-05-19T21:44:00.000-05:00

Camille Paglia. Added bonus: she's an expert in everything.

Now what am I going to do with all these gallineras?

2010-05-19T19:47:00.007-05:00

Back in the colonial day, one could find in the Philippines gallineras at church and colonial offices. These are long wooden benches with compartments built in underneath the seat. One can see them today in museums, fancy houses, and factories where they make throwback furniture for fancy houses. The space underneath was used for temporary chicken storage. Priests and local Crown representatives often collected tithes and taxes in kind, and the gallineras provided a place where both peasants and their fowl could wait to pay.

Well, when I heard Republican Senate contender Sue Lowden say we would be going back to a barter system for health care, one under which people would pay their physicians in live chicken, I got excited. I knew that if I acted fast I would have a leg up on the competition in what would quickly become an important niche in the medical supplies market. I got together a production line in my living room and in a few short weeks filled it with gallineras all ready to ship to clinics, hospitals, and pharmacies where doctors and their patients were ready and willing to go Galt on Obama Care.

So imagine my disappointment upon hearing Lowden disown the very system she championed. She was the leader of our movement! I can't move these benches now, not as medical supplies at least. What will I do with them? Maybe I can convince Fish and Wildlife people around the Gulf to pick them up as office furniture. I'm sure they'll need somewhere to put shorebirds for the next decade or two.

Flip the Script: A Florida District Eight Update

2010-05-18T16:46:00.000-05:00

A few months ago we took a quick look at the race in Florida's Eighth Congressional District—Alan Grayson versus a gaggle of kooks—and have since ignored it. Now, luckily for us, Jillian Bandes, Townhall's National Political Reporter, has a timely update on the matter. She is concerned Grayson might have a good chance to retain his seat (emphasis in original):

Perhaps the answer to why Grayson still has a chance to get re-elected is that Grayson is still planning to use his massive war chest to steam roll his eventual Republican opponent. It’s also that his extremism attracts a dedicated wingnut Democrat following – consisting of many supporters outside the district – who prop him up, and as a result inspires too many Republicans to take him on. In other words, the opposition to Grayson is so massive and sprawling it’s hard to organize – and Grayson might get to enjoy the spoils.

That situation is clearly illustrated by the half dozen competitive opponents in the GOP primary, which doesn’t take place until August 24.

Time to revamp the Kippie Awards for Excellence in Wingnuttery. Bandes just pulled the old switcheroo on us and the world will never be the same.

There are currently seven individuals seeking to represent the GOP. Bandes just called one of them uncompetitive. It can't be Todd Long, whom she quotes at the close of her column.

“He’s not there to solve problems,” said Todd Long, another GOP primary candidate in the 8th district. “He’s an arrogant socialist who wants us to be a government dependent welfare state."

How socialist is Alan Grayson? Alan Grayson is so socialist, he wants the welfare state to depend on government. You can't get any more wingnutty than that.

Collections, selection, objection, correction

2010-05-17T13:57:00.002-05:00

I imagine this is old news for the friends at the Riddled, but here, a maddening and amusing (because I'm at a distance) tale of university library collections and selection of the not so natural type.

Under the somewhat deceptive title of Collection Appraisal Project, the library at Victoria University in Wellington, New Zealand, proposed in 2004 to dispose of up to 130,000 titles - approximately one-fifth of its overall holdings - so that some of its space could be freed up for other functions than the storage and display of books. It was initially decided that the books that hadn't been taken out of the library for ten years or longer would be marked for inclusion on this list, and that it would be up to the academic staff and students to indicate whether any of them should be spared. Once this initial phase had been completed, some of the books would be relegated to the stacks and the balance would be de-selected, that is to say destroyed. Library staff proceeded therefore to apply red stickers onto the spines of these seldom-borrowed books, and informed us that in order to take them off the list we would have to mark the stickers with a black felt pen.

So guess what the dirty hippies did with their little black pens. The library eventually dropped the plan, but as the author notes, "the books themselves preserve its memory." The post includes pictures of some of these, and if you glance at them real quick, the red tape and black slash combination gives the impression of the anarcho-syndicalist flag. Perhaps fitting, perhaps not. At least Boccaccio and Gramsci were saved.

We're getting the band back together!

2010-05-16T14:07:00.000-05:00

Led Zeppelin is back to its old form.

On softball and sexuality

2010-05-13T17:14:00.000-05:00

Talk on the TV.

Scroll down.

Your thoughts, Pat Buchanan?

Monumental architecture, houses, roads, terraces, tar pits, and rolling logs

2010-05-11T11:05:00.005-05:00

Yesterday the New York Times ran a story on a recent advance in archaeological surveying and remote sensing, profiling work at the Mayan site of Caracol in Belize.

Then, in the dry spring season a year ago, the husband-and-wife team of Arlen F. Chase and Diane Z. Chase tried a new approach using airborne laser signals that penetrate the jungle cover and are reflected from the ground below. They yielded 3-D images of the site of ancient Caracol, in Belize, one of the great cities of the Maya lowlands.

In only four days, a twin-engine aircraft equipped with an advanced version of lidar (light detection and ranging) flew back and forth over the jungle and collected data surpassing the results of two and a half decades of on-the-ground mapping, the archaeologists said. After three weeks of laboratory processing, the almost 10 hours of laser measurements showed topographic detail over an area of 80 square miles, notably settlement patterns of grand architecture and modest house mounds, roadways and agricultural terraces.

Cool stuff, especially for places with thick cover.

Some fun in the comments, as is so often the case. Most annoying comment so far (I am easily annoyed):

It would have been nice if the Times had annotated the results with some interpretation, so we could tell if mounds were presumed to be structures or not. I am consistently disappointed with the failure of the Times media people in terms of making intelligible representations of data. Another problem is their lack of sufficient labeling on graphs.

Yes, one of the main reasons print news has faltered in recent years is its failure to put together professional conference poster presentations to go with the articles. Peer review and annotated bibliographies would help stave off the blogs, too.

And most satisfying comment so far (I am easily satisfied):

Sounds okay, but does it identify rolling boulders, snake pits and other booby traps left by the Ancients?

An excellent point. And have they included the sounds recovered from the aerial survey as well? Multimedia is the way to go these days, you know.

A good first step yet much work remains

2010-05-09T20:29:00.000-05:00

The Gringo Mask is an important first step, but it fails to address that telltale sign of Something Just Not Right and hence Grounds for Detention: the shoes. Maybe someone could draw up a downloadable pdf of Gringo Shoes. Like spats but printable.

Don't want no short, short man

2010-05-06T20:38:00.006-05:00

Working for the TSA-Miami and beating the crap out of coworkers with an expandable baton because he came up on the short end as the guinea pig for the full-body scan test run. From the arrest affidavit (pdf):

The investigation revealed that the accused was upset after a training with "Whole Body Image" Machine. The x-ray revealed accused has a small penis and co-workers made fun of him on a daily basis. Accused stated he could not take the Jokes anymore and lost his mind.

So he followed one of his fellow TSA colleagues out to the airport parking lot and beat him with a telescoping nightstick until he got down on his knees and apologized.

Nine-eleven changed everything. Or not.

On the significance of Cinco de Mayo

2010-05-05T19:32:00.001-05:00

How important is Cinco de Mayo? Cinco de Mayo is so important, the Hard Rock Cafe in the Cayman Islands hosted its fourth annual Cinco de Mayo Air Guitar Championship on May 1.

Reactionary historical memory and the compression of time and process

2010-05-04T19:08:00.002-05:00

Jill Lepore in her article on teabaggery and ye olde eighteenth-century Boston smugglers' harbor-side revelry:

Today’s reactionary history of early America, reductive, unitary, and, finally, dangerously anti-pluralist, ignores slavery and compresses a quarter century of political contest into “the founding,” as if the ideas contained in Thomas Paine’s “Common Sense,” severing the bonds of empire, were no different from those in the Constitution, establishing a strong central government. “Who’s your favorite Founder?” Beck asked Palin in January. “Um, you know, well,” she said. “All of them."

Plus also, some good old ~~African-American~~ American preacher-congregation back-and-forth fun from the day Sarah Palin came to Beantown.

Palin’s warmup took the stage. “I am not an African-American,” he shouted. “I am Lloyd Marcus, an American.” He sang. Then he broke out into revival-style call-and-response. “Are y’all racists?” he shouted out to the crowd. “No!” Absolution.

So funky, Funkadelic is going to mix that into their next single.

Throw it out in handfuls and see what sticks

2010-04-30T20:27:00.000-05:00

Via Two Weeks Notice, the Center for Security Policy's recent Capitol Hill happening is without a doubt the most important conference on "Chávez is the Most Serious Hemispheric Security Threat Ever!" until the Center for Security Policy hosts its next conference on "Chávez is the Most Serious Hemispheric Security Threat Ever!" Norman Bailey certainly gets the prize for most dung flung—the Iranian-Venezuelan tractor factory makes weapons, their cement factory warehouses coke, Venezuela's ports and refineries are all wired and ready to blow, Venezuelan ships have exterior drug-smuggling compartments that could easily be used to bomb the Panama Canal—but I like the "And this is all Obama's fault" head-scratchers thrown out by Rep. Ileana Ros-Lehtinen (R-FL)

who blasted the Obama administration for helping to bring back to power a communist dictator in Honduras and for empowering a return of Sandinista thugs to Nicaragua.

Last I checked, Honduras' president is Pepe Lobo of the right-wing National Party, but maybe I should pay closer attention to the fact that his name means wolf. Plus also, Daniel Ortega got back into power in 2006, which was, of course, on Obama's watch as U.S. Senator.

How do you say "You're alright, mate" in Russian?

2010-04-30T16:08:00.001-05:00

The Steve-O of Franz Josef Land.

There will be no Bindi the Tundra Girl here. Putin needs no heir, for he, like Mother Russia, is timeless.

Tristes tropes of right-wing toughs

2010-04-22T20:18:00.003-05:00

Concordant with the current conservative extirpation of heresy, comes Vice President Dick Cheney's endorsement of Marco Rubio and go-fuck-yourself to Charlie Crist. The Rubio campaign published Cheney's statement and made a statement about the statement. Some highlights.

First Cheney:

Marco…strong conservative leader…trust Marco…Obama agenda…threatens…Marco…trust him…strong.

Charlie Crist…cannot be trusted…Obama agenda…Crist cannot be trusted.

Now Rubio:

Cheney…strong… leader…Obama…weakening…I'm honored…his trust…strong…Democrat agenda…weaken.

Cheney says Rubio leader, strong and trustworthy; Crist not leader, weak and untrustworthy. Obama weak, threat. Rubio says Cheney leader, strong. Cheney Rubio strong; Crist Obama weak, threat.

This small exercise in condensed Republican grunty malebeast rhetoric is nothing new or groundbreaking, of course. Billmon examines right-wing propaganda far more effectively than I could ever hope to.

Big Government's Favorite Teabagger Historian

2010-04-22T17:30:00.004-05:00

In the current issue of the American Historical Review, Samuel Moyn reviews Paul Rahe's Soft Despotism. A few paragraphs should do it:

Paul A. Rahe is worried. His new book on a tradition of French social thought from Charles de Secondat, Baron de Montesquieu, to Alexis de Tocqueville is framed with an anxious contemporary diagnosis. The United States beat its Cold War enemy, Rahe writes, yet no one celebrated the triumph of freedom. Instead, a gloomy malaise beset the victorious side, even in the hour of what should have been its brightest resplendence. “If there is even a hint of justification for our strangely melancholy response,” Rahe concludes, “it is worth pondering anew whether liberal republicanism, for all its many obvious virtues, displays certain inherent defects as well” (p. xiii). Following in Montesquieu's tracks, Tocqueville asked this very question about American democracy, celebrating its founding spirit of local self‐government as the means by which the United States once staved off the worst outcomes of the modern experiment.

Perplexingly, Rahe does not explain how the United States could have won the Cold War without leaving township government behind in order to build the most powerful central state, and fund the greatest armies, the world has ever known. But now, after that victory, Rahe insists it must loyally return to its basics. Tocquevillians today, Rahe says, must reject the fascistic tendencies so embedded in American progressivism by Franklin Delano Roosevelt, which have spurred the “giant kleptocracy” of tax hikes, as well as more recent perversions like the “ethnic spoils system” of affirmative action, the dictatorial practice of racial integration through busing, the “petty tyranny” of “sensitivity training,” and even “SWAT teams [sent] to pry children loose from parents wrongly accused of abuse or neglect” (pp. 263, 264). In this nightmare scenario, Christians with their moral norms are on the verge of “pariah status” (p. 267). Along with chastity and fidelity, “the sexual division of labor, so admired by Tocqueville, has gone by the boards,” and a narcissistic anarchy of “hooking up” and divorce on demand is the catastrophic result (p. 267). “The hour is, indeed, late,” Rahe finishes. “Step by step, gradually, and to a considerable degree unwittingly, we have sold our birthright for a mess of pottage” (pp. 270, 274).

Leave aside these partisan accusations about the character of twentieth‐century American life, however, since to criticize them might be taken by Rahe as a device of the “modern inquisition” or even “lynch mob” made up of “those accorded the privilege of teaching at our leading colleges and universities,” where “the range of acceptable opinion is now so narrow” (p. 264). And in any case, Rahe's most unsubstantiated calumnies are directed not at modern Americans but instead at Europeans who—he asserts—are even further gone. As he politely expresses it, today's Europeans, and especially Tocqueville's Frenchmen, have blindly forsaken their onetime civilisation only to “come to an end—not, however, with a bang, as once seemed likely, but with a whimper, a belch, and a self‐satisfied sigh” (p. 241). God forbid—literally!—that Americans ever end up like Europeans, slaves in the thrall of an administrative state that responds to their pressing social needs. It would be a tragic end for once cherished liberty.

Thank you, Yale University Press, for your important affirmative action program in wingnut publishing.

Blessed are the dolphins for they shall delivery Him to safety

2010-04-22T12:36:00.000-05:00

On this the tenth anniversary of the Elián González raid, let us honor and remember the dolphins, for without them there would be nothing. Let us also give thanks to Peggy Noonan for this classic text. It would be irresponsible not to.